Deadlock

Today marks the day where I had a hard time, having my mind hogged about work and the near future. Mentally I became numb. It is a dog eats dog world out there, and unfortunately, the policy of this company only enforces it to be so.

In order to do well, I had to become not myself. I see myself not fitting in to the so called model of what an employee should be like here. When I think more about it, it isn't me. It is not my aspiration. And I began to wonder then, what my aspiration is. It's hard to change one's personality.

Planning one's career. Sometimes that's futile. Things didn't and won't happen in the way we expected them to be. Some may turn out better but more often than not, for me, it wasn't the case. In fact, it may just screw you hard in the ass.

Looking at my situation now, it may seem that I had escaped from an impending doom if I were to continue with my previous job. And I was thinking and looking forward then, to start anew and long career here with a solid grounding for a significant amount of time. But who would have thought I had land myself in this disastrous tormenting position. I don't think throwing the towel would be an option now.

What should I do?