Unbecoming

It never cross my mind for what that has happened today. Was feeling under stress all along, but the realisation of things to come and recent feedback left me mentally disturbed and I just broke down at my desk. I know I had to initiate something. This is seriously unbecoming.

2 Days, 1 week, less than a month, left without a notice. That's what some had lasted. I broke that but my time is up now. Not looking to quit the firm yet. But I hope, other alternatives can be work out soon enough.

Someone asked, why do you breathe so loud?

Work has been bothering me even at night whilst going to sleep. It got me so worried and the frequency of this happening is worrying itself.

Today was a bad day. The schedule was jammed packed and I had hardly anytime to even sit at my desk. That being said, it is rather fortunate though that the meetings has not been as excrutiating as I thought they would be.

I simply cannot fathom why the constant pressing emphasis of visibility, promotion, ownership, contribution, etc. It isn't even the least bit of motivating. It may sound a tad unambitious here, but my concern is only on how I'm going to survive the days and weeks ahead.

Grilling. Why must it be in their work culture? I'm not asking for a merry day but at the very least, it can be less hostile, can't it?

Deadlock

Today marks the day where I had a hard time, having my mind hogged about work and the near future. Mentally I became numb. It is a dog eats dog world out there, and unfortunately, the policy of this company only enforces it to be so.

In order to do well, I had to become not myself. I see myself not fitting in to the so called model of what an employee should be like here. When I think more about it, it isn't me. It is not my aspiration. And I began to wonder then, what my aspiration is. It's hard to change one's personality.

Planning one's career. Sometimes that's futile. Things didn't and won't happen in the way we expected them to be. Some may turn out better but more often than not, for me, it wasn't the case. In fact, it may just screw you hard in the ass.

Looking at my situation now, it may seem that I had escaped from an impending doom if I were to continue with my previous job. And I was thinking and looking forward then, to start anew and long career here with a solid grounding for a significant amount of time. But who would have thought I had land myself in this disastrous tormenting position. I don't think throwing the towel would be an option now.

What should I do?